to write or not to write

I need to get this out. Here is safer than anywhere else.

Lately, the home life is in chaos.

I'm wondering more and more what is acceptable in my marriage and in my life. I know the picture of an unhealthy relationship or marriage, I've seen it my entire life. But I've never really seen a healthy marriage up close until I met my in-laws. They've got the sweetest relationship, completely and wholeheartedly devoted to one another. I wonder what on earth taught my husband and I to treat each other the way we often do now.

Technically, this is abuse. It can be so incredibly unhealthy, and it's certainly unhappy more often than not. I've sworn to myself that I will not be 22 and divorced, or 23 and divorced. I will not be divorced, period, God willing. We have to work out our issues. But it feels impossible to have a forgiving or loving heart when there's constantly battles to fight, issues to pick at, problems to scream over, wounds to re-open. Neither of us want to live like this, neither of us will bear it much longer. My marriage is in danger of completely self-destructing, and I blame it entirely on myself. I am the problem, not him. I brought this into his life, I made him the way he is now, I provoke him to do the things he does and say the things he says. I say and do them right back.

I'm fighting with everyone right now - my husband, my housemates, my best friends, my former coworkers. Everyone. There is a common thread here...me.

What is wrong with me?